What do dying people regret the most? Living an inauthentic life.
🥂 Hello, it’s Friday
Issue #258: elves, aging, and burnout
By Harris Sockel
Correction: In yesterday’s issue, we misquoted Chinese Diplomat Mao Ning, who said Covid is “extremely unlikely” to have originated in a lab. We fixed that in the web version of the newsletter.
In one of the most popular Medium stories ever (featured in issue #105), Methodist pastor Lydia Sohn interviews her eldest congregants about their joys, hopes, fears, and regrets. Sohn was in her thirties at the time, and like many thirtysomethings she cared immensely about her career. Thinking of her future, Sohn envisioned a list of accomplishments — but her conversations with nonagenarians challenged that. The 90-somethings she spoke with barely mentioned their jobs.
“Their joys and regrets have nothing to do with their careers,” she writes, “but with their parents, children, spouses, and friends.” At the end of their lives, they thought back on their relationships, not their resumes.
I thought back to that while reading Robert Roy Britt’s advice from the dying to the living, published this week. Britt interviews Megan Shen, PhD, a social psychologist who works with terminally ill cancer patients. Shen adds nuance to the most commonly reported regret: working too much. It’s never the work itself people blame — instead, they regret why they worked so much. People who spent huge chunks of their lives working toward a vague vision of societally defined “success,” i.e. titles and money, regret that. But those who poured themselves into deeply meaningful projects don’t.
Building on that, Britt cites palliative caregiver Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Ware lists them, as follows:
- Not having courage to live a life true to themselves
- Working too hard (see above!)
- Not having the courage to express their feelings
- Losing touch with friends
- Not simply letting themselves be happier
Most of these boil down to one overarching regret: not doing and saying what really matters to you. Living out of obligation instead of purpose. “The dying people I cared for,” Ware writes, “helped me understand how irrelevant the opinions of others are in the end, and my courage has set me free of such cares before my deathbed days arrive.”
🧝 From the archive: Icelandic elves
Speaking of doing what you want, eight years ago Rob Mentzer flew to Iceland alone. He’d been depressed, so his wife suggested he do something he’d always dreamed of (take a solo trip to Iceland’s Westfjords). She bought him a plane ticket and off he went. Mentzer writes: “I am fortunate to have the type of demons that can be exorcised by a solo trip, a long hike, a swim in a weird pool.”
While there, Mentzer stumbles upon a plaque commemorating a 17th-century Icelandic farmer/magician who apparently made a pact with the devil to redirect fjord-water to his farmland (!). He digs deeper and learns that the farmer is one of the first Icelanders to popularize the idea that the country is alive with mythical elves — and though Mentzer is ostensibly alone in Iceland, these elves keep him company while he’s there. This essay is many things, but among them it’s an example of how to develop a deeper relationship with your physical environment, wherever you are in the world. Plus, it features some great photos:
😌 Your daily dose of practical wisdom
One key to avoiding burnout: Reframe rest as a “core part of your daily systems,” not a reward for hard work. (Sahil Bloom)
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Edited and produced by Scott Lamb & Carly Rose Gillis
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