Maybe self-control isn’t about willpower, but about who (and what) we trust
Sacred names and unspoken practice (Issue #322)
In the late 1960s, researchers at Stanford conducted what became known as the Marshmallow Test. A preschooler was placed in a room with a marshmallow and given a choice: eat it now, or wait a few minutes and receive two marshmallows instead. Early findings suggested that children who could wait tended to be more successful later in life, helping popularize the idea that self-control was a key ingredient in achievement.
But as writer and ADHD advocate explains, later research added crucial context. A child’s willingness to wait turned out to have less to do with innate self-control and more to do with trust. Kids who believed adults would keep their promises were more likely to wait. Kids from less stable backgrounds often took what they could while it was available. Choosing the marshmallow wasn’t a failure of character. It was a rational response to uncertainty shaped by experience.
In a related piece, featured in issue #87, user researcher explores why self-control sometimes fails — and why that might not be a bad thing. Drawing on recent behavioral research, she suggests that lapses in willpower may serve an adaptive function, nudging us toward rest, play, or more personally meaningful pursuits. Studies show people are better able to summon self-control when they feel a sense of autonomy, interest, or purpose. Rather than a fixed trait or a limited resource, self-control may work more like a dynamic feedback system, helping us navigate shifting priorities and mental energy.
Together, these insights suggest that self-control isn’t just a matter of personal strength. It’s something shaped by trust, motivation, and the environments we build around us.
What if self-control came less from trying harder, and more from designing lives that work with our natural drives?
Maybe it’s not a test of willpower at all, but a reflection of what (and who) we trust.
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Also today…
- , who once served as a papal secretary at the Vatican, on how each pope brings their own strengths (and weaknesses) to the position: “Each pope brings a different set of talents to the Petrine ministry. […] John Paul II was a brilliant communicator who spent as much time on the road as at home. Benedict XVI was a brilliant scholar who loved writing books and let others pull the strings.”
- Philosopher on how, 1500 years ago, many people believed a person’s name was as sacred as their soul: “Just as we guard our physical bodies by revealing ourselves only to those closest to us, our ancestors guarded their real names by revealing them only to a select few.”
- Social scientist : If you want to change the future, you need to change the stories you tell yourself (and others) about it.
🔁 A dose of practical wisdom
You get better at what you practice, and you’re always practicing something (even if you haven’t named it).
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